Childless Fun

in which I answer for myself

I thought I'd try writing a more personal reflection this time, both for my own amusement and as a link to send to folks wondering about my childbearing status. I'm better at explaining things in writing than aloud!

Like many of my contemporaries, I've decided to remain sans-children. It's so common in our generation, it can hardly be controversial anymore, though it still raises occasional eyebrows, especially in my and my husband's respective hometowns in the US South.

I enjoy the efficiency of a good interview, so I decided to give one to myself on this topic, revealing my private matters and thoughts to the world in a way that would have horrified my great-grandmother who wouldn't even tell family members how old she was.

Did you ever dream of having kids, Ivy?

I don't think so. I probably assumed I would have them because that's what most people did, but I never imagined what it would be like. It wasn't ever something I looked forward to for its own sake.

Would you be able to have kids if you wanted to?

I would not be able to conceive children easily if I wanted to. I have some mysterious health problems that would make that difficult, though I could pursue a variety of fertility treatments or adoption. These are great things to pursue if you want to and can do so safely and ethically. We decided not to do this because we realized we were happy in our own quiet childless situation, and that it was the best decision for us.

Are you an anti-natalist? Do you hate children?

By no means! I think children are great.

Are you sad at all about not having children? Or furthering your genes? Do you have any regrets?

Not at all. I enjoy hanging out with the kids in our lives, but I have no longing for a child of my own. My husband feels the same. I am not a eugenicist, and I’m also not interested in propagating any particular genes.

Was it hard to arrive at this decision?

Yes, it was quite difficult for a few years. I wasn't sure what the right decision was, and I was worried about it. After much reflection, I realized my main consideration in favor of having a child was to please other people. Also, I felt guilty for not being part of the world community that raises kids. Once I got over those worries by realizing I was taking it all too seriously, I felt at peace about it all. Now I can see that for many decisions like this, there isn't really a right or wrong. If I had had children, it probably would have worked out, and not having children has also worked out. It's easy for us to see our lives as epic dramas when they’re often more like sitcom episodes.

On the other hand, I still feel responsible for helping kids in the small ways I can, including participating in causes that could potentially improve our future society. It takes a village, etc.

You’re obsessed with your small dog. Is he like your son? Are you his mom?
It is true that I am obsessed with my dog, but no, I definitely don’t think of him as a child. A parent spends emotional and physical and intellectual energy figuring out how to help their child grow, mature, and live the best possible life. My dog and I are just great pals who like to hang out all the time. I think of him as the ewok that Leia befriended in The Return of the Jedi. I’ve always dreamed of living with such a creature, and now I kind of do, and I love it!

Does not having kids make it easier to pursue your odd writing hobby?

For sure! So does only working part-time. That’s how things happened to work out for me, but I never had a master plan. I have plenty of problems, of course, but I realize other writers (both hobbyists like me and more serious ones) are juggling more than I am. I like to help writers who have more barriers to entry in the small ways I can, and I’d like to help more. Hit me up if you need help! I’m probably better at connecting people to other people who can help rather than solving problems by myself, but again, it takes a village, etc.

Should I assume other folks without kids feel the same way you do?
Nah. Everyone in every situation has a different perspective. I’m just sharing mine.

What if I have a strong opinion that everyone needs kids and should have as many as possible?

That’s fine! I’ve heard many versions of that opinion. However, I do not care.

Thanks for reading this personal FAQ!